An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize