Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
