I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
