he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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