He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
