I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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