i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
