When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize