I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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