remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
