hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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