He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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