toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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