it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize