Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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