I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Text me some of your sweat
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
