My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
