If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize