Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
how does that bad decision feel?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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