mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
