i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize