That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
