Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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