What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
