I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
