so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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