and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
