I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
