I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
