Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
