I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Panties = found
Randomize
