those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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