Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
