fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Too much gin, very little bucket
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
