Pappa wants mamma naked
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
