I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize