At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
