We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize