I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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