I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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