yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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