Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
