remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
