WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
