hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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