He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Randomize
