i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
