I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
