My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
