She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
