He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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