I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
