I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
